It's been a long time since I've done a blog. I'm not completely sure why, most of my writting these days is done in my jounal. I'm sure most don't even check my blog any longer. But for those who do I guess you'll be pleasantly surprised =) The last month has just dissapeared leaving behind a dust of great memories. Christmas and New Years where great, it was the first time in nine years I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted. As the last nine years I've been employed with Safeway and have always worked through the holiday season. And of course every toast and every gathering was a celebration of life and health...the most important things to celebrate.
I moved again at the beginning of January and spent the first part of this month settling in and making it home. I painted, bought new furnature, and decorated. It feels so good to be done, I feel like I'm home now and I don't have to go anywhere for a while.
I go back to work in 10 days! That's right, after 11 months of being off it's back to the grind. Now that things are slowing down I feel like I'm ready. I am amazed at how well I've been able to fill my time though. I once thought I'd be board if I didn't work, but no...early retirement would be just fine with me. I picture myself in some tropical paridise in a big, bright, beautiful house. Full windows over looking the crystal blue ocean. Each morning I'd start my day on the soft sand, watching the white tipped waves roll up on the beach, as I breathed through a yoga practice. But for now I'm perfectly happy running along the seawall in the beautiful Vancouver rain.

The Christmas season is in full swing and I am so grateful to be healthy enough to enjoy it. Not just enjoy but even make up for lost time =) I spent the last week eating, drinking and being merry at a string of christmas parties. It's so good to re-connect with people I haven't seen virtually all year, and every time I see someone I haven't seen it's a whole new celebration...to life and health! I've been rockin' the super-short do and now that I have eyebrows and some eyelashes back I don't look sick...I just look like I had a lot of guts to chop all my hair off ;)
And one more reason to cheer...Kadir got his first report card of high school last week...all those afternoons of homework have paid off...he got his first A!!!!!!! Yoo-hoo!!! So...celebrate good times...come on...it's a celebration...woo-hoo!

So much has happened since my last blog, I don't know where to start. First I have to say nobody should move in December! Especially following a snow storm! It was a crazy week, beautiful, but cold, slippery, and messy. By Thursday when I moved the storm had passed but it wasn't the most ideal stomping through the slush and trying to avoid the hazardous ice. All in all, I'm just glad it's over with. And on the plus side...I had three meetings scheduled for last week that were all cancelled due to the snow. So at least I had more time to pack and get organized.
Now I can just enjoy my new surrounding and get ready for the holidays. On Saturday I took my first walk to Granville Island. It was the first sunny day in weeks. I walked along the seawall staying in a thin path that had been created in the ice. The ground around me was shinning like diamonds as the sun began to melt the snow. It only took 10 minutes and I was at the market. I got to pick out fresh produce and fish for dinner and head back to my place. It was great...I'm going to like it here=)

I got a place yesterday. I can't say I'm as excited as I thought I'd be, but at least the worry is gone. I feel like that perfect place I had been waiting for didn't come my way. The place I found is very small and not very bright but it is clean and in an excellent location, False Creek. I love the idea of being basically right on the seawall. I can go for runs, and it's about a 10 minute walk from Granville Island. I'm sure once the move is over and I make it my own it will feel like the fresh start I'm ready for. Another bonus is that one of Kadir's friends from school lives in that area, so he'll have someone to travel to and from school with.
Perhaps adding to my lack of excitement was this morning. I had my first follow-up CT scan this morning. I had to wake up at 7 am and drink that disgusting liquid to prepare. When I arrived at the Cancer Agency at 8:30 everybody seemed low energy and not as friendly as usual (maybe the weathers effects). The nurse I had was very down to business. She had trouble finding a vein to use on my right arm, so she switched to the left. Once she got the needle in she was changing the tube and didn't fasten it tight enough so as I looked down at my arm I saw blood squirting out. She assured me, "don't worry it's in there" as she hustled to tighten the vessel. But I was worried. After she fixed the problem I still felt the needle was not in properly. It was probably in my head but all through the scan it was stinging my arm. Anyway, it's done...and I'm not worried about the results. I intend to stay cancer-free =)

What a week. I had a wonderful, relaxing time. It was exactly what I needed and at exactly the right time. It's been a little strange being back in the hustle and bustle of things after being in the middle of nature and calmness. But I think I'm adjusting alright. The only thing that could help at this point is for my new place to fall in my lap. But the search continues...

Wow, time is just a flyin'. I've been apartment hunting for what feels like weeks, but really it's only been just over a week now. It's so competitive and expensive out there...a little scary. I'm holding out for the right place to come my way but every time I get confident it doesn't happen...not what I'm used to =) Other than that things have been fantastic. I've been on a 12 day cleanse that ended yesterday. For almost 2 weeks I had no dairy, flour, sugar, yeast and a host of other things. Mostly I ate vegetables, brown rice, fruit, oatmeal, soy, almonds. After the first 5 days I really started to feel good. I had more and more energy, going to the gym or swimming every day and having it get easier and easier. Instead of before when I was in treatment after 2 or 3 days my workouts got harder and harder...nice change =) Today I leave for a week long retreat! A place called Brew Creek Lodge, just past Whistler. I'm really looking forward to it...peace and quiet, snow, meditation, massages, and the list goes on. I just have to leave this apartment hunt behind for a week and not worry because that won't help. I've got one more place to view today at noon, and hey today could be my lucky day.
In 5 minutes from now it will be 11/11 11:11am...taking a moment to remember...and being thankful.

Pictures

I've got pictures to share...
One of Lucas in the green giant costume I made him and a few of Kadir's and my pumpkins.

Hungry Halloween?

This week has been swallowed up by halloween...
It all started last Sunday. Lucas is 6 foot 7 inches tall, so during past halloweens we joked about him being the green giant, "Ho Ho Ho" =) This year, being that I have time on my hands, I said I'd make it happen. Then on Sunday of last week he informed me that his work's halloween party was on Friday. At that point I hadn't done anything (but procrastinate), so I knew that I had to get moving if I was gonna make it work. That same day we drove out to Richmond to go to Michael's (a craft store) and find fake leaves. I have to admit that in the back of my mind I was hoping we wouldn't find any, knowing what a big job laid ahead of me. But alas, we did. The next day I found fabric, took measurements, came up with the design, and by Tuesday I was ready to start sewing. I worked my butt off for the next three and a half days. The most tedious part was sewing the leaves on...it took hours. But as the project came along everything was working out exactly how I imagined it. The icing on the cake was late Thursday evening when I made a half-ass attempt at making the booties...they where perfect! As all the pieces came together I just started laughing out loud at the thought of Lucas walking around down-town in this costume. By mid-Friday (which happened to be the day of my first missed chemo) it was done. Lucas came home from work and we got him all dressed up and I drove him back for his party...he won first place...WE won first place. All in all it wound up being really fun. I'll post a picture as soon as I get one.
The weekend was all about Kadir and me. On Saturday we went to a haunted house. It was a huge production put on by the Vancouver Film Industry. It was a spooky tour through some very recognizable tv sets. Kadir and I agreed it was not very scary, but there were a couple jumps...mostly from me =) Then to wrap things up...today Kadir and I went to the store and got pumpkins and decorations. We spent the afternoon decorating our front window and door in black and orange attire. Then we carved pumpkins. Kadir was absolutely grossed out by the insides of a pumpkin...he refused to use his hands. But he was very proud of his final product...made to look like his character in the video game World of Warcraft. He said I wasn't very creative, but I liked my traditional looking pumpkin with the triangle nose and eyes and the BIG grin with a few sporadic teeth. So, we're all set for Tuesday's trick or treaters...Happy Halloween!!!!

Turkey Breast Stroke

My dad pointed out to me last night that any of my blog followers have seen the posting "I feel like crap" all week long...and he knows that that isn't true any more. I feel great. The best part of this week...I went swimming on Friday!!!! It was awesome. As soon as I dipped into the water and pushed off the wall it all came back to me. I felt like I never missed a beat, it just felt so natural. I swam for 45 minutes and finished with a nice long hot tub. I'm going again tomorrow.
Last night I had my aunt and cousin from out of town come over along with the rest of my family. My family hadn't had a turkey dinner for thanksgiving together so we had one last night instead. It was my first time cooking the meal myself...and I still can't take full credit. My mom came over in the morning and showed me how to take the giblets and stuff out of the turkey and how to stuff it. Then when she came back in the evening she did the gravy. It all worked out great; turkey, mashed potatoes, yams, maple walnut brussel sprouts, carrots, corn, stuffing, gravy, and cranberry sauce. We stuffed the turkey in the morning and stuffed the guests in the evening =) We even fit 8 people around my little 4 person table. It was really nice to have a good dinner with family.

I feel like crap...but this is the last time! Friday the 13th was my last chemo. At the end of the treatment the best part was getting that stupid PICC line taken out. Okay, I take back the stupid because that was way better than getting needles every other week. But it really sucked never being able to hop in the shower without covering my arm in plastic and tape for 6 months. After the PICC line was out I gave a round of hugs to the staff (and had a few tears) then I headed out of the ward, I stood in the hallway of the hospital and just cried. The rest of Friday night and most of Saturday I spent in bed sleeping and watching movies. I contemplated for most of Saturday whether or not I was going to go to the Light the Night fundraiser walk. At the very last minute I decided to do it. I bundled up in my warm winter cloths and Lucas, Kadir and I headed down to Stanley Park. We arrived at dusk and there was a light fog covering the water. As we drove by the site to find parking I was delighted to see hundreds of red and some white balloons lighting up the night. As soon as we arrived I was happy that we were going to be a part of it and it felt like a great way to commemorate my last treatment. We were among some of the last walkers to go under the balloon arch start and head out on the seawall for the 5 km walk. I don't know if the tide was coming in or going out but there was a calmness to the water as it rippled up onto the shore just out from high tide. The evening cast a shadow across the beach that created outlines of rock figures by the water. And we just followed the trail of bobbing balloons all the way down English Bay, then all the way back. I had a great sense of accomplishment as soon as we finished. We did it...I did it...wooohooo!

What a great last day before the last chemo. Full of Toastmasters and cookies. This morning I had my regular Thursday morning Toastmasters meeting, then I had Sushi for lunch with a friend. After that I came home and started baking cookies. I wanted to do something special for all the people at the hospital that have been there for the last 8 months. So I thought cookies! But not just one kind... there had to be different kinds so everybody got something they liked. I decided on 3 kinds... chocolate chip, chocolate chip oatmeal, and coconut oatmeal. Oh my gosh... after the first batch was done I realized I was making way too many cookies. But I had the ingredients and my mind was set. Four hours later I had over 150 cookies! I picked out all the most perfect ones and put them in a heart shaped box to bring with me tomorrow.
Then this evening I went to the humorous speech and table topics contest for the area level Toastmasters. I was planning on going to judge as one of the members from my group was doing a speech. Well, when I arrived I was informed by my peers that they had entered me for the table topics contest portion. Although I put up some resistance they assured me I'd do great. So I went for it. Table topics is a portion of the meeting where you do a 1 to 2 minute impromptu speech on a topic given to you just before you speak. Wonders never cease... I came in 2nd. Which also means next week I go on to the division level contest, with my fellow Toastmaster who came in 1st for the speech portion. Yay us!
TOMORROW'S MY *LAST* CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!

I was walking home from the gym this morning kicking the leaves under my feet. Admiring the the sun cracking through the tall canopy of trees above me and I began to think about all that I am thankful for...I am thankful for life. Each breath that I take, each beat of my heart, each cell that delivers nourishment and oxygen through my body, each cell that just is. I never would have understood a year ago how thankful I am for health. I promise not to ever take it for granted again. I am thankful for the energy that I have been creating, I've been waking up every day lately feeling ready to face the world (3 months ago I was longing for this feeling and it's here). I am thankful for the love...the love that I feel in my heart and the love that is shown to my by the people around me. I am thankful for time...memories of the past, this moment, and the endless possibilities of the future.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL =)

I am just feeling better and better. Tuesday night I did yoga. It was much needed after that weekend of staying in bed. By Wednesday morning my body felt way better. That afternoon I went to Costco, I had been waiting for a coupon I had been saving to come into effect on October 4th...and now I finally have a food processor =) Last night I de-virginized it by making my own refried beans for tortillas. I pressure cooked the kidney beans using my moms old pressure cooker. It was so nostalgic to hear the sound of the water whistling out the top of the pot and oh my gosh...when I took that top off the smell made me feel like I was 10 years old...standing in my mom's kitchen.
This morning I woke up and the sun was shinning and I was feeling like I wanted to get out and enjoy it. So I jumped on my bike and rode over the Cambie bridge and down to the seawall. I followed the seawall through Yaletown and admired all the beautiful yachts (one day). Then I continued through the West End, where the fresh sea smell flourished. I passed English Bay and looked down at all empty logs lining the beach. Finally I reached Standly Park where I stopped at the entrance to sit on a bench and look out across the low tide of the ocean. Lovely.

Yesterday afternoon I met up with a friend for an evening walk by Kits beach. We arrived at the beach and were instantly chilled by the cool crisp fall air. We made a quick detour to Starbucks where I got a grande ginger green tea, I cradled it as it warmed my hands and we headed back towards the water.
Spring is my favorite season but fall is a close second. The autumn colors, the refreshing quality in the air, the lack of people cluttering up my beach time =) The sun was lowering in the sky and sending out its magnificent gold reflection across the rich blue water. Every time I see this sight it feels like my first...it will never get old. We passed by the the rows and rows of empty logs lining the beach, we passed by the posts that recently held volley ball nets, we passed by runners, we passed by people walking their dogs, eventually we saw a stump that we decided to sit down on. On this stump we were surrounded by tall trees. As I looked out across this land scape I saw all the brilliant browns, golds, yellows, and burgundies of the fallen leaves. The sun's rays were cast sporadically across these leaves, in-between the shadows from the trees they shone. A perfect autumn evening.

Wow, once again time has just flown by. The week disappeared with mostly mundane tasks. I cleaned the stove and oven (something I had been dodging for a couple weeks). I went to Kits high and met all my brothers teachers for the parent walkabout. As I sat in the classrooms looking around I realized what a craving I have to learn again. But I'll keep that on the back burner until next year. I hung out with friends and ate barbecued food. Then before I knew it it was Friday. As I headed to VGH I had almost a skip in my step as I marched towards the hospital repeating in my head, "After today only one more left!" Those cheerful feelings were swiftly taken away as my body filled with chemicals and my energy drained right out of me. I don't know how much I've slept between then and now but I think it's up near 28 hours. I should have taken my dad's advice yesterday and gone for a walk but instead I stayed safe under my covers. Oh well, today's another day and I enjoyed my walk this morning...and yes I do feel better.

I feel like I just had a 'normal' weekend. Friday night I went out and did dinner and a movie. Dinner was fantastic, but the movie a bomb. We saw The Black Dahlia, I was very disappointed. It was slow, and most of the movie didn't seem relevant to the plot. Then Saturday was a beautiful day, warm and sunny. I had a nice lunch outside, and later went to the gym and had a good workout. That evening I met up with a girlfriend and we sat on the beach and watched the sun set from Spanish Banks. Then we headed to the Vancouver Giants home opener. I love hockey. And what a game, they won 9-0! I feel a little tuckered-out today but it was so worth it. Fun Fun.

My week is going just fine. I've been feeling pretty good and I've been doing things that make me feel even better. Tuesday I started a beginners yoga class. I'd been wanting to start one for a while but it just hadn't been the right time yet. Toastmasters also started up again this week, we had a good first meeting back. And I've made it to the gym twice this week =) As of today I have 3 weeks until my last treatment...yipee!!!!

This morning I had an invitation to the official kick-off meeting of the Safeway Women's Networking Group. Since I've been basically living in sweats for 7 months it felt very strange getting 'dressed up'. I felt uncomfortable and stiff in the suit I wore. I applied a small amount of make-up, which I am also not used to doing lately. And made the mistake of trying to put mascara onto what eyelashes I have left. I wound up with big black splotches on my eyelid. The only thing I seemed to get right this morning was my pencilled on eyebrows...they were the same shape--yay! When I arrived at the meeting I was relieved to feel so welcomed. Everybody wanted to know how I was doing and when I'd be back. It was a big hug-fest =) Our meeting started and we had a guest speaker, Deborah Hope from the Global TV news hour. It's always cool to see people from TV in person. She spoke about life-work balancing. I found it interesting that she talked about finding time for work, kids, and husband, but she didn't talk about time for yourself. I thought that in a room full of women who work too much it needed to be stated because if you don't find time to take care of yourself first you can't possibly have quality time to spend with anyone else. After Deborah's speech the chairperson, who also happens to be one of my major mentors at Safeway, continued with the meeting. She began to introduce someone that they where very happy to have with them today and as she began to talk about this person's story I realized she was talking about me! I had no idea, I was humbled and honored. And I received a roaring round of applause when she announced that after 7 months of fighting I had been diagnosed as cancer-free. What a day.

I had to go check my last blog entry. I was surprised to see it was last Wednesday...soo much as happened since then. I spent some time down by beautiful English Bay with my Dad and brother Ky. That was the a spectacular Vancouver day. It hadn't rained yet but you could feel that cool refreshing feeling in the air. Like every breath you took in completely replenished each cell in your body, right to the core. And the sun was still shinning brilliantly so we stayed warm and protected.
Strangely enough, that same day turned sour for me in the afternoon. I spent the afternoon resenting all the young people I had seen running along the seawall that same day. I felt really tired and awful and I started to have feelings of anger about having this year sort of taken away from me. Luckily that night I also had a support meeting, the one I attend once a month with other young adults dealing with cancer. So perhaps there was no luck at all, those feeling came up on a day I knew I could deal with them. Talking about it just reminded me that for all that has been taken away something else has been given.
So by Thursday I was feeling good again. I even made it to the gym for the 3rd time that week (30 min light cardio and lots of stretching). I also had a massage appointment Thursday afternoon. I was expecting soothing music, aroma therapy and a long relaxing session. Not quite, it was a little room, no music, (it did smell good), an inspection of my back and spine, and then down to work. I guess I have a lot of correcting to do after all the lack of movement and stretching over the past few months. There was a lot of digging and pressure and pulling. It doesn't sound great but along with the stretches I was given I've felt much better since the appointment, no spasms or major aches.
Friday I had treatment. Boo. Long gross day. I slept through 2 hours of it--that was good. I've found it hard to sleep for months. At the very beginning of treatment when I was still getting needles I got beds to sleep in. But ever since the PICC line I get to sit in the big, gross, blue chemo chairs and I hate sleeping sitting up. On Friday I positioned myself in the chair so that my head was resting on the arm, that helped. I walked home after I was finished, first time in a while. Of course I felt awful but after a few hours and some capers soup, I felt life come back into me. It was the best I've felt the same night of chemo...ever. Then the songs started to play in my head, *only 2 more left*!
Saturday I had a very nice sleep-in. Didn't get up 'til noon =) And when I got up I still felt pretty good. The plan for the day--BOATING! Kadir, Lucas and I headed out with a friend on his parents boat. It was a perfect day for it, blue skies, bright sun, and fresh air. We went around False Creek then "parked" at Granville Island to pick up lunch. We brought lunch back onto the boat then headed out to the bay to let-er-rip! It was awesome.
So that brings me to today. Woke up not feeling that great so I slept in 'til noon again =) That helped a bit but I think I'll take it easy today. Perfect day to stay inside, it's raining.

So yesterday afternoon I was watching the early news on CTV. At the end they have a segment called Your Health. I was watching yesterday to see this segment because they where reveling the results from the largest study done on young people with cancer. As soon as it started I perked up in my seat---they where interviewing Geoff, founder of Realtime Cancer. He's the one who set up the camp in Montreal and has started an on-line community for young people with cancer. Then to my surprise they had a shot of him scrolling on his website and the first shot was of my profile! It was pretty cool to be watching TV and see yourself, I had a good laugh. As for the study, the main points were that young men are seeing a decrease in developing cancer and young women are staying at the same rate. Good news I guess---better than increases =)

Yesterday I was reminded that nothing is set in stone and I must always be flexible and accepting of change. Right now I should be an hour into my chemo, but instead I am writing this blog. Why? Well, yesterday afternoon I received a call from my ward at the hospital to tell me that my session for today had been cancelled. That was it, no why, no reschedule, just cancelled. There was a small part of me that thought "Maybe this is it, maybe I don't have to do any more." But I didn't like the thought of that. I wouldn't want to go through all this effort to sit around wondering "did they get it all?". So I called my doctor right away and left a message for him to call me. A couple hours went by and I got the call. My doctor informed me that my white blood cell count was too dangerously low to go ahead with treatment. I asked if we could do it anyway and start the hormone injections right away. He said no. He informed me that he had rescheduled for next Tuesday. My first response was no, that's too long. I asked if we could do it any sooner than that. So we came up with a plan, he called in a prescription to my pharmacy so I could start the hormone injections last night, then I will have blood-work again on Thursday and if it's fine I'll have treatment on Friday. I'm much happier with this plan. So, I'll have a few extra days of feeling good and focus on producing white blood cells.

This week has been fantastic. Ever since I got my good news I feel different. I feel happier. Everything I've been doing feels extra special. That's about all I have to say. This morning I'm going to the hospital for blood work. Then I'm going to the gym, today I'm going to once again start a fitness routine. Hopefully I have no more complications and I can keep it up this time.

I have so much to write about I don't really know where to begin. I have to start at yesterday and work my way back to the weekend because I can't wait to share.

Yesterday was Kadir's first day of high school. He was scheduled to be there for an orientation from 8 am to 11:30 am. So I made plans for us to go visit my dad right after. I had one of my regular weekly visits to the hospital for a dressing change and flush of my PICC line at 2 pm so we had just enough time for a short visit. At noon I still hadn't received the call from Kadir to pick him up, but I left anyways figuring he'd be calling any minute. I arrived at Kits high and parked my car to wait. As I sat and waited I reminisced about my days at that school and thought how neat it will be one day, when all of the Katrensky children are grown up we can say we all went to the same high school. All of our pictures will be on their walls. So I waited and waited finally calling Kadir to find out what was taking so long. He told me that he was standing in a long line waiting for his picture to be taken. As time passed my dad and I decided to hold off on our visit which worked out because of my appointment. Finally at 1:20 pm Kadir calls to say he's coming. So he and I head to the hospital. Soon as I arrived I asked one of the staff if she could track down my doctor and find out if he had a minute to see me. She told me it was no problem and he'd be about 15 minutes. So I had my dressing and line flush done and right as we finished in walked my doctor. He had my PET scan results in his hand...and a smile on his face. I just looked at him. He said, "It's good news. There is absolutely no signs of cancer left." I felt a wave come through me, it started at my feet and worked its was through my body, tingling my stomach, shivering my spine and as it moved up to my head it exploded out through my eyes. It was the most joyous feeling, I just wept and wept. One of the nurses who has been incredible was there with me and she shared in my tears. I hugged Kadir, I hugged my nurse, I hugged my doctor and I just started thanking everyone, including God, including myself. I BEAT CANCER. I BEAT CANCER. I BEAT CANCER. I BEAT CANCER! I wanted to scream it from the rooftop. As soon as we left I started calling people to share my news. Kadir made fun of me because he said my sad cry and my happy cry sound exactly the same. The word spread like wildfire, my phone was ringing all afternoon. A friend came by with beautiful flowers. My district manager even sent out a note to all the Safeway stores so every one would know. I always knew from the beginning this day would come, but it felt even better than I could have imagined. Especially after all the doubt of more chemo. Which, by the way I still have to finish. Three more sessions to go and that's it! I feel like it's all downhill from here. Last night Luc came home with a bottle of champagne, and Luc, Kadir and I toasted to my new status.

After sharing that it overshadows any other story I have. But I did want to share that I had a wonderful time in Montreal. I didn't get to see much of the city, but the surroundings where beautiful. The camp was on a lake an hour and a half outside of the city. There were over 30 young people from all over Canada either dealing with or had dealt with cancer. I can't get too much into it because the catch phrase of the weekend was "We Get It!" and if you weren't a part of it you just wouldn't get it. We were all able to connect on a level because we were all dealing with the same sorts of issues. We did lots of meditation, every morning we did Yoga and Qui Gong (a standing still exercise like Tai Chi, using your chi energy), the food was good. And most importantly I had lots of fun. Went for a motor boat ride (the wind felt amazing on my bald head), a paddle boat ride, played volleyball, danced for hours one night. Overall a powerful and validating experience.

Yesterday was a long, yucky day. I had my thirteenth chemo treatment
and I had a PET scan for 3:30 pm at the cancer agency. For the PET
scan I wasn't allowed to eat for 6 hours before. So I had a small
bowl of cereal at 8:30 am then went to VGH from 9 am to 3 pm and had
chemo, I felt so sick and weak from having all those drugs in me and
no food. At 3 pm I walked to the agency and filled out forms for the
PET scan. At 3:30 pm I was brought into a little private room where
they explained to me what was going to take place. First I had an
muscle relaxant drug then 10 minutes later they injected me (using my
PICC line, yay!) with a radioactive glucose liquid. They had me sit
still in this room for an hour so that the compound could go through
my system. The glucose is supposed to grab onto any active cancer
cells, then they can see if there are any active areas in my body
looking for the radioactive portion of this compound during the
scan. The machine they use is very similar to the CT scan except
that it is a longer donut. And unlike the CT scan which is very
quick, the PET scan takes a half an hour to complete where you have
to lay motionless. I didn't get home until 5:30 pm yesterday. I ate
right away, watched some TV and went to bed as early as I could.
Today I don't feel too bad, I'm just going to take it easy.

The good days just keep on coming. I still feel great. Yesterday I had visitors from North Van. We got to hang out in the park, enjoying the sun, and have a healthy lunch from Capers. One of my visitors brought her 3 month old beautiful baby girl. Ohhhhh, sooooo cute! I love the little hands and feet on babies, so fragile. And the cute little smiles, and the big wide eyes....okay, I love everything about babies! This morning I went across the boarder to pick up Kadir from camp, it SUCKED. I gave myself an hour and a half to get there but soon as I hit the boarder it was backed all the way up. I had to wait for an hour! I felt so bad being an hour late to pick him up, I should have known better. But all was good and I got to hear all the camp tales and a lot of "I'm so tired". So we're all safely home now and I'm going to do some serious relaxing for the rest of the day.

I have been feeling great! The last few days I've had energy, I've been walking all over the city...to the point where I have blisters on my feet. Yesterday I got my whole house clean, bathroom, floors, windows. I love waking up to a clean house, it feels so much cozier. Today I'm going to take it easier because I don't want to over-do it and wind up paying for it. So I'm going to stay in today and do some painting. If this keeps up the next couple months will be a breeze =)

I had a fun, fast, exhausting weekend. Lucas, Nika, Kadir, and I went on a mini road trip and shopped, shopped, shopped. We went to Seattle, stopping at the outlet stores, and everybody got some new duds. The highlights of the weekend were; the super deals we got at the outlets, Kadir moving from the kids department to the mens department, and getting to check out another city. On Sunday afternoon we dropped Kadir off at summer camp in Bellingham then headed home. I was so sore and tired by the time we got home and I had the best bath ever. It had been at least 2 months since I've got to bath because of that wound, so it really was the best bath ever. Today I feel great. I have a CT scan later today and I feel it will show positive results.

I have to say that this isn't such a bad round of chemo. Yesterday I felt well enough to go to the store and make a good, hearty pasta dinner. This morning, although tired, I went for a 45 minute walk to a relaxation group. When we went around the circle putting in images I told the group that I had just received the bad news of having to do more chemo, they awed and looked on compassionately. I told them that my dad had called me a warrior and I'd like to imagine riding large, strong white horse and holding a magnificent glowing silver sward, moving full force to face the next battle. My image was greatly appreciated and as we began the meditation my image was used to enter the state of relaxation and healing. I was so relaxed by the end of the session I was not looking forward to the walk home. But I tuned on my iPod, pulled out the apple I had brought, enjoyed my slow walk home in the sun.

Days go by and all I think about is no more chemo. Having my life back. Waking up and feeling good and full of energy. Today was my 12th treatment, I knew going in that it wasn't my last until after the results from the CT scan I have next Monday come back. But I sure had hope. There was an undeniable part of me that wanted to believe today was the last. I had already planned out the next month, what I was going to eat to detox my body of the chemo, how I was going to workout to start rebuilding my strength. At the very end of treatment today my doctor came by to talk to me, I communicated my want and desire for this to be the end. He then said we better go talk privately-which is never good. Once we were in an office he started the long explanation of why more chemo is often needed, accompanied with diagrams on a dry erase board. At the end I looked at him and said "So what your telling me is I have to do 2 more months of chemo, right?" Poor guy, I was the one crying but I think he felt worse. Adjusting to change always sucks. Just before I started writing this blog entry I was reading my e-mail, one message was a joke about a donkey stuck in a well. The farmer didn't know how to get the donkey out and being that the donkey was old and the well hole needed to be filled anyway the farmer started to do what he believe he had to do- bury the donkey. To his surprise as the hole began to fill the donkey was simply shaking the dirt off and stepping up. Obviously the moral being I have to just keep on shaking the shit off my bald, tired head for another 2 months and keep moving in the right direction.

I just finished another week of hormone injections. This time I gave myself 4 of the seven shots. Something must be working, between the shots and the antibiotics because my butt wound is FINALLY healing up. The last two trips I've had to the clinic they haven't been able to put packing in because the wound is so small. Yesterday the nurse said she thinks it'll be healed by the end of the week. Yay =) The antibiotics have been reeking havoc on my stomach though, every day since chemo it's been upset. I just continue to spend my days reading mostly, and with this cooler weather it's been much more comfortable. Today's my brother Ky's nineteenth birthday, time sure flys.

Saturday morning I woke up recalling a dream I had just had about the P.N.E. It has been years since I've been to the fair but in my dream I was there. It was extremely vivid, I saw and heard people on the rides, game booth boys calling out "step right up...", people passing by with huge gooey wads of pink cotton candy. I continued on my day not giving any more thought to the dream I had had. I spent the majority of the day reading, enjoying yet another book that I can't put down. Lucas, Kadir, Nika and I had not been to enjoy any of this years Symphony of Fire fireworks, we thought if there's one worth seeing it's the grand finale and I, in all the years I've seen them have always watched from Kitsilano's point of view, never from the front view of English Bay. So we decided to deal with the crowds last night and watch from front and center. We walked over the Burrard st. bridge and made our way down the seawall heading right for the epicenter of it all. As we reached our destination the crowds grew thicker and we were all amazed to see how the beach front had tuned into what looked like the P.N.E. There were bright lights, loud speakers, and vendors lined up all along the beach. I immediately was reminded of my dream. There were so many people we had to try a few times before we found somewhere to stand. We didn't have to wait long before Mexico's show began, half way through Kadir told me they would win, I said no because we hadn't seen the others. Fifteen minutes into their 25 minute performance I had to sit because I thought my legs were going to give out, I was frustrated. Before the grand finale the winner was announced...Mexico! The crowd went wild, Kadir was right, and I thought "What luck, to come see the best." I stood up again for the finale...WOW! That last minute was incredible, just breathtaking. As soon as it was over we formed a four person chain and started making our way back to the bridge. Beach ave. was closed down and we became part of a moving mass of people taking up the whole street as far as I could see. By the time we reached the bridge the crowds began to thin out and we continued our walk to the car. Although we were all tired (and some of us had to pee -- refusing to stand in ridiculously long lines to use a disgusting port-a-potty) we were all glad we went.

The last couple days have been a drag. I've been so tiered, I'm continuously amazed at how much I can sleep. I am feeling a little better today. Well, at least I'm out of bed this morning. I can't wait until this is over.

This morning I went to my treatment like a trooper only to be slapped with the bad news of more infections. Yup, that's right the pain in the butt is back! So now it's two weeks of antibiotices-8 pills at different interval through the day=( and another week of hormone injections. I feel like a human pharmacy. I feel somewhat discouraged because I've been focusing so hard on doing all the things I need to do to heal and it didn't seem to help. But I won't let that push me down; I will try harder and practice more discipline. I felt like crap right after the treatment this morning, but I slept the afternoon away. Now of course I'm up late but that's okay, I can sleep in tomorrow. And I've spent some of my evening re-visiting the world of internet poker. My hand of the night-4 ACES, 3 on the board and 1 in my hand. It sure feels good to be unbeatable=)

Another weekend come and gone. 15 days left until my last treatment! I can't say this was one of my better weekends. I was very low energy, I did a lot of resting and a lot of reading. I finished a book in 2 days...I don't think I've ever done that before. I haven't been sticking to my "diet" as closely as I'd like, but my low energy self craved some treats this weekend. I don't enjoy sweets right after treatment so may as well enjoy 'em before =) I went for a visit of my current Safeway in North Van. this morning. It was so nice to see everybody and they gave me this HUGE gift basket filled with all sorts of things I shouldn't be eating right now. Oh well, a good chance to practice will power-yah right. Surprisingly, it made me want to go back to work. I don't miss the hard days, or the stress, but I do miss the people and the feeling of doing a good day's work...soon enough.

Yesterday my morning started off on the wrong foot. I had some issues with my bank, then as I was heading out the door to walk to a relaxation group my ipod froze on me. So by the time I got to the group I was feeling rather unlucky. Before the relaxation starts we go around the circle and add a visualization that we'd like for the session. My turn came and I said, "I'm feeling unlucky this morning so I'd like to visualize a field full of four leaf clovers, lush and green. I'd like that to bring me some luck". When the group was over I went about my day, not thinking about luck or my relaxation that morning. It wasn't until late afternoon when I was home scratching a "Set for Life" that I remembered my clovers from the morning. It all seemed meaningful when I won the most I've ever won on the ticket...$24...also I had been looking for a red scarf and the first place I went into that day (Value Village) had the most perfect one I could have found for only $1.99...and...I had my car serviced and there was nothing wrong =) Coincidence? I think not.

Well, every-thing's going pretty good. I've started my new "diet", it's not a traditional diet but more of a lifestyle change to choose healthier foods. The big changes are staying away from white foods, for example brown rice over white, or whole wheat pasta over white. Also, limiting processed foods, eating more fruits and veggie, and using less meat. I've learned that beans are the magic food...no not musical, magical =) They are packed with everything; perfect complex carbohydrates, protein, low fat, fiber, B vitamins, and minerals such as iron, calcium, potassium, and phosphorus. No other food is so well rounded. I haven't incorporated many beans into my meals yet, but I will be. It's only been a few days and I'm already feeling the benefits of healthier eating. I've had more energy, less stomach problems and I think my hair is starting to come in (okay maybe that's a jump, but it feels less bald in the back).

Today was my last needle of my hormone injections. Not very big news, but what is...I did it myself!!! It was my third or fourth "stab" at it. In the past my nerves have taken over. But this morning I just kept thinking "mind over matter, mind over matter..." and I just went for it. Once I got it in my hands started shaking and my tempurature rose. But I stopped, took a couple of deep breaths and slowly started the injection. I was so proud of myself, I didn't think I could ever do it. Now I know I can.

That resting really worked because by Friday night I was feeling much better. And I got to enjoy another beautiful Vancouver weekend. People have been complaining about the heat but I'd take it any time over being cold. Saturday I spent the early afternoon at the Vancouver Pubic Library and I got a bunch of books on nutrition especially related to cancer. It seems to me that good diet habits are the key; key to well running systems within the body, key to more energy, key to emotional stability, definitely key to a successful recovery. So I've been reading up =)

Big Surprise...chemo sucked again this week! It was a particularly hard day. I arrived at VGH at 9am only to hear that my white blood cell count was too low to go ahead with treatment so we were waiting for a differential blood test to come back. After waiting an hour and a half the test arrived only to show that my differential was too low as well. The nurse put in a call to my doctor to let him know what was going on. Finally at 11:30 my doctor came by and told me we'd proceed with treatment anyway, I'd just have to go back on the hormone injections to help generate white blood cells. So with such a late start I didn't leave VGH until 4:30pm. It was such a long day. Then yesterday I had made plans with my dad, my brothers, and Luc to go see Superman Returns 3D at noon. I woke up not feeling well but I went ahead with the plans as it is so hard to find a time that works for everyone. I wound up being in a chipper mood and enjoying the day, it was my first 3D movie. But man am I paying today, I woke up feeling very ill, complete with sore throat, achy bones, and fuzzy head. So I'm not doing anything today in hopes that as much rest as I can get will help the awfulness pass.

I had a fantastic Vancouver weekend. Kadir, Nika, Lucas and I spent the whole weekend doing what we wanted. Saturday we got the fixin's for a picnic and went down to Spanish Banks to enjoy the late afternoon sun, the incredible view, some yummy sandwiches and a little Frisbee. Then Sunday I finally bought myself a pair of roller blades and all four of us packed our blades into the car and we headed down to the sea wall. It was hard for me at first, especially my shin muscles. But I got the hang of it and we bladed from yale town all the way to English Bay. It felt great, the warm afternoon sun and the cool sea breeze where the perfect combination.

My brother, Kadir, and I had the opportunity of a life-time on Thursday. We both got to fly. Yup, that's right...we actually got to fly a small, twin engine, six seat airplane. Kadir was the first one in the drivers seat, the instructor walked him through the checklist of turning on the airplane and making sure everything was ready. Then Kadir drove the plane with the foot pedals through the airport and lined it up at the beginning of the run way. At this point I thought the instructor would take over, but no, he let Kadir take it off the ground. I was a nervous reck at this point, clutching my seat for dear life. Once we were up in the air it was amazing, I was sitting there in total disbelief that Kadir was flying. He took us over to Pitt Meadows where we landed and it was my turn to fly. What an amazing rush, as I pulled back and the plane started to lift. I got to take us around to White Rock and Birch Bay, as I proceeded over the ocean I dove towards the water and flew only 300 feet above the sea, twisting and turning, seeing the beautiful landscape. It's a memory that is etched in my mind and I will never forget.

Last night I finished the final episode of 24 season 3. That's a lot of 24 over the past weeks! But now I must stop. This morning I woke up from a dream that confirmed this. A bad guy had taken a child hostage, so I found a fake gun, snuck up behind him, put the gun to his head and was yelling, "Drop the gun. Drop the gun and let the child go!". As soon as he dropped his gun I grabbed it (because his was real) and was holding him at gun point while everyone escaped from the area. Although the dream had a good outcome I'd much rather be dreaming about flying, fairies, fantasy gardens, you know...girly stuff...not action packed thrillers.

35 days until my last treatment! The end is in sight. Every day lately I am thinking about what I will be doing when I have my energy back. I can't wait. In the mean time I'm trying not to get frustrated. I'm doing a pretty good job lately of not over doing it and resting when I need to. Keeping it up will make this last stretch doable.

It's two days since treatment #9 and I'm feeling pretty good. The nausea hasn't been too bad and I've been taking lots of walks. I think this is going to be a good couple of weeks. This morning I went to a meditation group that left me feeling great. It was an imagery/music relaxation session. At one point my body felt like it was floating away with the harmony of the flute and voice. I focused all of my energy into images of healing and opening my heart, I imagined bright red light starting from my heart and flowing out, washing through all my body. At the end I was left feeling lighter, I sat up straighter, and my face felt softer. Love to all.

The other morning I was getting ready to go out for a bit. So I gathered all the things I needed and headed out to my car. As I always do, I unlocked the doors with the keyless remote and heard the sound of the click when they unlocked. I pulled open the passenger side door to put some of my things on the seat but as I opened the door I was annoyed to see that the passenger seat was covered with items from my glove compartment. My first reaction was anger because I automatically assumed Nika or Lucas had been looking for something and left everything out when finished. But as my eyes began to investigate I realized that everything had been pulled out of every where...the side doors, the ash tray, the compartment in-between the front chairs... everything was on the seat! I then went into a panic mode, realizing someone had been in my car, I wanted to know what had been taken. So I began to sift through the stuff, putting things back in their place as I went. As I was putting things back I realized almost everything was there: my CD's, candy, a winning lotto ticket (a free Set for Life), my Guess glasses, a map, my registration, even a toonie (the only parking change I had). After I had taken my inventory the only thing I didn't find was my car manual!!?? Immediately after that I began to check the car for damage, none. No signs of forced entry, nothing to show that someone had gotten into my car. And I know that it was locked and alarmed. So for a number of days now this has left me wondering. How did someone get in? Why did they only take my manual? It just doesn't make sense.

I haven't really been in a blog sort of mood lately. I guess with all the resting I feel like I just don't have much to say. I am doing good though. Walks everyday, watching 24, reading, and sleeping as much as possible. I just did a speech today at Toastmasters, it went better than I expected. Now Toastmasters is breaking for summer so no more speeches until September. Anyways, Young and the Restless is starting so I've got to run.

Yesterday I did too much running around town and paid for it in the evening. So today I'm going to the beach. I'm gonna sit and do some healing in the sun (with spf 30, of course).

Without sharing all the gory details I'll just say that the week was a pain in the butt! Literally, yesterday was the first day I could sit. Between Monday and Saturday I spent over 48 hours in the hospital, mostly waiting but also getting a minor operation, antibiotics, blood cultures, painful dressing changes, and of course chemo on Tuesday. The actual chemo didn't seem to be too bad this time but the other complications have made it a trying week. I finally feel like I'm in the clear though. In order to keep myself occupied while bed ridden I started watching 24, the first season on DVD. I'm 20 hours in and quite satisfied. Good acting, twisty plot line, and great editing. I also picked up a few books, two of which didn't catch on but the third one is keeping my interest. There's also another book I received as a gift a few weeks ago. I hadn't picked it up yet and by coincidence (as everything happens for a reason when it's supposed to) I picked it up the Friday morning, which happened to be the giver's birthday. I was originally told it was a daily prayer book and I had no idea how literally it was. Each message is dated starting with Jan 1st. So I flipped to June 23rd and the first message I received was "God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough." Sooo fitting!

Well I don't quite know what it was but I seemed to be getting up on the wrong side of the bed all weekend. I was grumpy and not very nice company. Luckily by Sunday afternoon things improved. I had a nice Father's Day brunch with the family, then Sunday evening we threw a birthday party. It was quite fun spending the day decorating and preparing food and cake. It was a success and everyone had a good time. As for today, I just finished the book I had been reading for the past few weeks. I'm a little sad that it's over as I enjoyed it so, but I've got a small pile to pick from for my next read.

Today I had my first CT scan since I started chemo. I had to drink all this thick milky white liquid last night, today 2 hours before, then again just before. It was sooo gross. Twice I had the gag reflex, it didn't want to stay down. Then when I went in the nurse asked what arm has better veins (for the contrast dye they inject) and I said "Oh no, I have a picc line." To which she replied, "I'm sorry dear, we can't use that for this." Boo. But I was brave and took the needle like a woman. So I'll probably get the results of the scan Tuesday during chemo. I don't have a doubt in my mind that it will be good. The good part of today was that I finished re-covering my dining room table chairs. They look great. The staple gun I had originally planned on using wasn't doing the job so I went to Home Depot to try and find something more efficient. I was intimidated going in there but wound up having a great experience, some of the BEST customer service I've ever seen! And they helped make my job nice and easy.

The best thing about the morning is the peace and quiet it brings. Although sometimes you may step out of bed on the wrong side and be a little cranky, it's still nothing like the wound- up-ness of the rest of day. I do my best thinking in the morning, no distractions. This morning I was reflecting on what a nice time I had last night. Someone who saw my website sent me an e-mail inviting me to come participate in a young people cancer patient/survivor group. So last night was the first meeting I attended. As soon as I arrived everyone was very welcoming, introducing themselves and offering tea and water. I have to say, there's something about being around other girls with no hair that allows you to automatically have a connection. Unlike most of the other times in my life when I've meet other young women there's no judging, no cliquiness, just acceptance. The atmosphere was very nice and calming, they have a room set up with comfortable chairs and couches and these ridiculously high ceilings. Then for over 2 hours we just talked, we talked about what makes life different for us now positively and negatively. Like all people, when you know you're not alone you feel better and empowered.

Everything is going along just tickidy boo =) Last night I went to my second meeting with the Light the Night committee. The plans are coming along well, now it's just a matter of getting walkers registered and a few more logistics. After the meeting I made the mistake of going out for Thai food. I've always enjoyed spicy food, I'd like to think it has something to do with living in India as a youngster- tuned up my taste buds! But something about these chemicals in my body made me barely able to handle it. It felt like my lips were on fire, and my nose was trying to put it out. Of course it tasted too good to actually stop eating it. Finally Lucas ordered me a milk, I was skeptical and I was proven wrong. Worked like a charm, a little sip swished around in my mouth and the fire was gone. I think I'll put off Thai food for another couple months.

Vancouver weather never ceases to surprise me. Hot and sunny one day then overcast and raining the next. Not that it really bothers me, but surprises me. I've never really been good with change, although I have come to accept it easier. Learning to embrace it and make the best out of it is a good thing to do. Even if it's as mundane as a change in weather.
I'm off to the gym this morning for the 4th day in a row, for some light sustained cardio. Light is the key as that has allowed me to *change* my routine to include the gym daily.

Over the past few months I've really come to enjoy the weekends. The last decade I spent working almost all weekends and if I had the fortune of having a weekend off chances where I was probably hung over for most of it. Now I see that they're great days to spend with your friends and family and all around people seem more laid back and happier. So for most it's back to work and school today and for me it's back to my lists.

Today I'm feeling much better =) The last few were not fun, full of nausea and fatigue. I'm really just focusing on the outcome at this point. I can't wait to wake up every day feeling great! Today I went out and stocked up on juicing veggies; carrots, beets, apples, kelp. Hopefully some live nutrients will help me keep a higher energy level. After some super juice I'm going to the gym today to get my body in motion.

Holy cow... that last treatment kicked my butt! Yesterday afternoon was a complete write off, then most of today was also spent resting. Today was the first time my stomach couldn't contain the queasiness =( Although I spent so much time feeling physically awful, my head stayed positive and I knew I was just doing what my body needs. I pictured all the chemicals spreading out all through my body and killing all the angry cancer cells (cell wars). Today turned out great with a feast with my family and now movie time =)

who needs counselors?

Yesterday I started my day off with getting my blood work done. At 10 am I had my second meeting with a counselor from the BC Cancer Agency. The first meeting I had was about 3 weeks ago when I was having trouble being self motivated and I had a lot of "why me" questions going on. Well yesterday I told her about how things have been going and how making lists of what I need to do each day as well as goal setting has helped me a lot. Going to the gym and walking is helping me feel physically fit and completing goals and tasks each day is keeping me positive and allowing me to enjoy life. After talking for about 20 minutes she said, "Well we'll leave it at that then, and keep on going". I felt pretty good that I'm doing all the right things right now and someone else (and a professional at that) sees it too. Yay me. Today I'm off to Chemo #7!

cheese cake with strawberries, anyone?

What a great weekend. Kamloops was beautiful with nice weather and good people. I always like seeing how many trees there are outside of the city. It gives me hope that we haven't used up all of our resouces. For the drive we stopped in Hope at this little diner that had great milkshakes. My brother Kadir ordered a slice of cheese cake that was *to die for*. It was the dense and creamy kind surrounded with whipped cream and real strawberry sauce, so yummy!
I'm well rested and back to my lists today, lots to do.

a little vacation

I have had a couple very busy days. Just go go go from morning to night. Today was especially busy, I'm taking a little roadtrip with friends and family to Kamloops for the weekend. I'm so looking forward to just relaxing and seeing a bit of beautiful BC =) Have a great weekend, and I'm off!

This week has been going so well. I've been staying very positive and taking care of myself every day. I even got back to the gym yesterday (without over doing it). Now I'm just getting ready to head out to my Toastmaster meeting. Later =)

more fundraising, yay!

I love waking up to a beautiful, sunny morning. Yesterday was another great day for me, I did everything I had planned despite feeling sick to my stomach for most of the day. One of the last things I did yesterday made me feel great because I stepped out of my comfort zone and got involved in something. Over the past couple months, as my treatments have accumulated and taken a toll on my body, I've become a home body. It's been good to take care of myself, but I feel as though I've been afraid to meet new people and I've closed myself off to the world in some way. So last night I went to a committee meeting for Light the Night Walk, a fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society raising money for a cure for blood cancers. It felt really good to be around new people and get on board with a new project. Hopefully I can bring some good ideas to the table to help them hit a higher target =)

the video is done, and great!

I got some exciting news this morning... My very talented brother Ky has put together a video of the fundraising events from March 29th, and it's stellar! The 20 minute video has been posted in the Multimedia section for all to view. Enjoy!!!
Last night I had a bunch of Tostitos and cheese sauce before I went to bed, did not make for a happy tummy. I had to keep my blankets closed. I called it the resident stench!

weeping willows

The last few days have been pretty good. Nothing stands out as
noteworthy but I've just been spending quality time with friends and
family. Eating lots and laughing lots. I've started walking on a
regular basis, good for my body and mind. There's this great park
close to where I live called Douglas park -- it has these amazing
huge Weeping Willows in one corner. They're such beautiful trees,
they look so strong yet so sad in an elegant way.

Today I tackled my planning perfectly. I started my morning at 9 after waking up from an amazingly vivid dream. I went outside for a short bike ride. I got out of breath quickly but I didn't push myself, I just walked up the hills and took it easy when I needed. It just felt good to get the fresh morning breeze on my face and get my body moving. I had a quick appointment with my doctor at 10:30 where I read my book in the waiting room during my 45 minute wait. Then I headed to my friends factory where she set up my own whole area in her fashion studio. I have access to a huge cutting table, sergers and sewing machines, ironing stuff, anything that a seamstress would need. The coolest part...I made my first garmet today from my own design. I measured, made a pattern, cut and sewed and now have a great new shirt that turned out better that I would have imagined. So proud of myself today. Can't wait to set tomorrow's plan in action =)

bangs and breakthroughs

My head covering problems are over. Yesterday I had bangs cut on my long blond wig and now it's perfect. My second piece of good news...as of today I'm half way through my chemo!!!!!!!! Not that that makes it any easier but the light at the end of the tunnel is looking a little brighter. I really feel like last week was a bit of a breakthrough for me, I hit a low and I know what I need to do to turn it around. More than that, I feel like I can. I have all the tools I need; nutrition, exercise, meditation, writing, reading, self-acceptance, living each day and not planning out the rest of my life. Now, for me, I need to plan each day in advance. Decide when I'm going to fit each of those things in, not just wake up hoping that the inspiration will come. I know I can keep the good thing going.

one more try

So much for new beginnings =( I pigged out last night then spent today in bed and crying about everything, especially the fact that I was in bed. BUT, tomorrow is another day and I know I can turn things around. I want to fill my time doing things that make me smile, not frown or cry.

celebrating the little victories

Well I don't really know what happened to the week. It seemed to slip away in a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't manage to do much for myself but sleep a whole lot. I'm upset about being so tired which is just causing a vicious circle of it's own. This morning I got to the gym in hopes of re-starting a routine for myself. Then my troops geared up and helped me clean our place. A good day for another beginning.

limping around...

I have had a very relaxing weekend. After over-doing it at the gym on Friday with a personal trainer I've spent the rest of the weekend not being able to sit, stand, or use stairs without extreme discomfort. I know, my own fault. But I have taken advantage of the situation by taking it easy. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until noon then I spent the rest of the day puttering about the house and getting ready for a wedding celebration that evening. It was kinda nice to get dressed up for the first time in a while. I curled my wig, put on some make-up and wore a dress (high heels did not help my sore leg situation). Then today was beautiful, a great day for moms =) I had a very nice lunch with my family then came home and read for 5 hours. So not like me. I was able to focus on my book, usually my mind wanders and I wind up thinking about dinner, or what I'm doing tomorrow or anything but what I'm reading. Perhaps I'm learning to live in the now, a lesson that will grow with acknowledgement and practice.

15 minutes until survivor...

down to the final four! i hope terry wins. he deserves it. he is a
machine.

mind, spirit, and... body?

Tuesday’s treatment really kicked my butt! I feel awful…nauseous, tiered, and my arm keeps having shooting pains where the PICC line is =( Today it was especially hard to get out of bed and do anything. I surprised myself though by doing everything I had planned today including a speech at Toastmasters, and a variety of other small errands. Not that I feel physically better, but mentally and spiritually I did good today.

no more NEEDLES!!!

I knew there was a good reason I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I mean besides chemo. It just didn't come together today. I started my morning by very reluctantly rolling out of bed at 8:30 ( Chemo at 9 ). I took a quick walk down to the royal bank to deposit a cheque then on to VGH. I arrived at 9 where the nurses warmly greeted me, "Chaya's here!" =). So far so good, I even had some Emla on my arm so that the needle wouldn't be a problem. First try -- no luck. Not only did I feel the needle the whole time but IT DIDN'T WORK=( We had to try again, so once again I braced myself....only for *another* failure =( =( So what next? Well because I've had several treatments now my veins have shrunk and they're harder to find. So the only logical next step was to get a PICC line put in, which is basically a semi-permanent catheter that sticks out of my arm. It goes into a big vein in the underside of my arm and stays there for the rest of my treatment. The upside? No more needles. NONE. They just hook up the IV to the end of the PICC that sticks out. The downside? No swimming, no baths, having something sticking out of my arm (tank tops and tee shirts beware), and the seven additional needles required to get it done today. I have to be honest, most of them weren’t too bad because three of them were little freezing needles so that I wouldn’t feel the big one, but still, NINE needles in one day is not fun for a squeamish girl like me. It was also an 8-hour adventure, so I’m beat. I did get a white spot chocolate milkshake and some movies though, so life goes on.

hot yoga, pink hats, better wigs!

Well I've been falling behind on my daily entries. I've been busy doing all sorts of things, most of which have been keeping a smile on my face. Where to start...well I have all sorts of new "head gear". First I found a cute little summer hat; hot pink with curvy white stripes. Then I recieved a beautiful long blond wig from California. The cap on this wig is made out of a light, skin color transparent nylon material, so it makes the hair appear as if it's coming out of my head. It looks almost exactly like real hair! Nowhere close to my own (ex)hair, but only I know that. =) Finally, I found a great little salmon pink with white nike running cap. This hat has been great because I feel very comfortable in it. I've been wearing it to the gym, to breakfast, to Ikea, and just for walking around the neighbourhood. I'm pretty much all settled in my new place, only a few more empty boxes to get rid of. All I can say is I love it and space is good =) One of the other things that have been making me smile is staying active. I'm 3 blocks away from Bikram's hot yoga. I tried it for my first time on Friday and went back for my second on Saturday. It's challenging but doable and leaves you feeling refreshed and revitalized... And sore. The good kind of sore.

the move -- done and done

Sorry everyone. It's been a few days, but I'm back. Took a while to get the internet hooked up. I moved back to Vancouver on Sunday. It was a grueling 10.5 hour move. It was exhausting and long, moving three apartments into one, but I had lots of great help. I mostly observed, oversaw, and directed... errr... *suggested*. I love my new place, and it's great to be in Vancouver again. I feel like everything I need is right next door. I got back to the gym this morning again, and have been enjoying the beautiful weather. Life is grand. =D

small boxes, small potatoes

I can't stand packing. I'm surrounded by boxes for packing as I am moving back to Vancouver this weekend. I am super excited about the move and you'd think that'd be enough to get me motivated to pack, but no! I kinda wish I could pack all my stuff into little boxes, just cd's, just cups, just jewelry, etc... I just don't own enough of one kind of thing to fill a full box and I don't like mixing and matching. Oh well, small potatoes compared to war, hunger, violence and disease... but that's my rant for the day.

one third of the way!

Chemo #4 DONE!!! Yes it feels good. The nurse I had this morning was very friendly, even told me about a numbing cream, Emla, that numbs your skin before you go in so you barely *feel* the needles! I asked my doctor about the falling and he said it may just be that my blood pressure's low, so to get up slowly...I be careful=)

lime green skivvies!

What a beautiful weekend! Gotta love Vancouver in the spring.
I went to my first baby shower this Saturday. So much oohing and awing=) Then today a friend took me shopping at La Senza...fun!!! Lime green is great. To finish off my weekend I had dinner on the 26th floor of the Sheraton Wall Center downtown meeting members of my hungarian family for the first time. Lovely.

chocolate = gym

I finally got back to the gym yesterday. It had been at least 2 months since the last time I went and I was terrified to go back. It's like when you go back you're gonna know exactly how out of shape you've become. Well, I took it easy knowing that over doing it would make it harder to continue; it felt great (as it always does). Now I just have to keep it up.

easter = chocolate

I had a great birthday/easter weekend! Saturday I spent shopping and got a new skirt and shoes for my birthday dinner (from my brother). That night I went out to a great Greek place in New West where we ate good food and danced to the live band afterwards. Sunday was a perfect lazy day. I didn't get up until 2pm! I went for a walk, then came home and ate easter chocolate =) =)

aloe vera broke my fall

Yesterday I got up from the couch and as I started across the room, I blacked out and fell. I managed to miss the corner of the table, thank goodness, but I landed right on my aloe vera plant. The planter is one of those green plastic ones, and it cracked all the way down one side. The sharp edge cut across my nose and cheek, so I look like a major badass now with my shaved head and scarred face.

third chemo... no problemo!

Yesterday I had my 3rd chemo session. Took 4 hours and my arm was more uncomfortable then it had been in previous sessions. Kind of like a slow burning up my arm, only a 3 on a scale of 1-10 for discomfort or pain. I feel pretty good this morning, haven't had to take any nausea pills yet. Today I plan on doing some reading, some laundry, and taking it easy.

baby needles

Today I had my blood work done for my 3rd chemo session which is tomorrow. I got the baby needle because my veins where hiding=) I wish all needles were baby!

phew

...and it turns out I don't have a cold.

strawberries and chocolate

I started this weekend off with such good intentions. Unfortunately I wound up not feeling very positive about anything. It took a bit of feeling sorry for myself and hiding out (in a hotel room with a jacuzzi and champagne), to get my head on straight again... I'm now looking forward to starting this week on the right foot.

lights, camera...

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, I hope I haven't caught something. I took some echinacea just in case. Today is an exciting day. I get to go on set of a fashion shoot, maybe even help direct a little =) Anyway, gotta go get ready.

cross your fingers for sunshine!

I feel great this morning=)
It's supposed to be the best day of the weekend so I plan on taking full advantage of any sunshine. I had my head re-shaved this morning so I'm going to wear it loud and proud! No more silly wigs...for now.

Too hot, too cold, can't win.

I was chairing my toastmasters meeting today wearing my red bob wig and due to nervousness and the non-breathability (new word) of my wig I had perspiration on my forehead. Can't win... on a day like today without the wig, my head is too cold. Still searching for a good hat.=)

horse and carriage

I went out today to run a few errands with a Strawberry blond curly wig on. When I looked in a mirror at a store I realized I looked like Peggy Bundy from Married with Children=( Today I miss my hair.
I must find some good hats. I wish there where wigs you could just throw in a ponytail or up in a clip.

Day 2

Felt ill this morning, so I stayed in bed extra long. The sun coming in through the window this morning was a treat. More later.

Day 1

This is my first ever blog entry. Testing, testing... Is this thing on?